i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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