Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
