I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
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