You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
A+ Viking dick
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