he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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