Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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