You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
