i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
