We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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