Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
