Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In other news, I just burned my penis
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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