hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
