remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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