No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
