Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
