fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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