all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
