seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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