This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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