i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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