they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I supernannyed him into submission
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
