shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
