He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
