between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
