When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
