you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
