somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
