YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He? As in you personified your dick?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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