There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
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How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
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Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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