dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
