The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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