ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
