i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
