Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
