Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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