I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
false alarm, still single
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
