So drunk, too bad you don't want this
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
In America we eat man semen.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
