Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
