Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
