Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The best revenge is premature balding
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
