Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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