Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
