He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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