My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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