you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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