My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
