did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
