I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
