you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
