Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
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Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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