It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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