Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
did i just pee glitter
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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