There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
