Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
