We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
