my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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