did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My Higher Power is John Stamos
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
