I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
