Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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