at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
