whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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